Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Cats Do Plot to Kill You

I love cats and have two of them. They can be very annoying but there is no doubt of their worth: their furry warm bodies are better than any space heater in the winter time.

However, I have long said that cats want to kill us. They constantly watch for an opportunity. When you sleep at night, they hold long and intense inner debates over whether you're dead or not. Sometimes they can't help themselves, and begin to eat your toes. A sharp kick usually reminds them that you were just sleeping. (NO I am not advocating kicking cats. This is a self-defense example. They are trying to kill you.)

I know that you're asking, "Why would you want to live with two cats if they're trying to kill you" right now. Well, they're very nice to look at (excepting these). And there's the aforementioned furry feature. Because of the difference in size between them and me, avoiding their evil schemes is pretty easy. Sure, you have to keep an extra vigilant eye out when small children are around. My two cats usually don't go near my small son, because they know I'm watching. But they're watching too, and I never forget it.

Why do cats want to kill you? Huh! Why does the sun shine! Why is Scottish Premier League football not televised more often in the US? I don't know, but I have learned to live with the terror of constant plotting under my roof.

Here is a very intelligent comic that provides a helpful list of signs to watch for in cats. It shows that I am not alone in knowing the truth about housecats.

P.S. What does this have to do with writing? Well, nothing. It's Christmas Lite week.


Roni @ FictionGroupie said...

Lol, these pics are great. I'm highly allergic to cats, so they in fact could probably kill me. I'd be easy to plot against--just curl up on me and hide my inhaler :)

Travener said...

There are times late at night when I've awakened late at night to find one of my cats staring at me. In moments like those I know how an antelope feels just before a cougar leaps at its neck. Do your cats meow to be petted, then the second you get close, turn and walk away, showing you their ass? It drives me nuts.

Sierra Godfrey said...

Roni - they would totally know that, too! I notice mine hide my car keys often so that I can't make an escape if I need to.

Trav - I'd watch your cats carefully. Now you know.

PS one of my cats is actually trying to climb up my back as I type this, obviously making his way to my neck where he can strangle me.

Dawn Simon said...

Thank you for warning us. Last night I played with my friend's kittens and they seemed very innocent and sweet. They both jumped onto my lap and one stayed a while, purring. Was it some sort of deception? Am I just lucky I escaped with my life? Should I keep my friend close but her cats closer?

Sierra Godfrey said...

Dawn, I'd say you were very, very lucky to escape that situation. The venom is stronger in the young! That innocent and sweet act is a carefully honed killing tactic.

Tina Lynn said...

I actually did a post about the monster under my bed. It's actually our kitten Fat Louie. He lies in wait then attacks unsuspecting humans that pass by. He also attacks my son's head often. I think my son is in the most danger at this point. I see Louis staring at him more than anyone else, but I have caught him trying to steal Chloe's breath in the middle of the night. We started to shut the door so he can't lay on her face while she sleeps anymore so he meows all night for revenge.

Mike Chen said...

This is appropriate:

Shannon O'Donnell said...

We have cats, too. One of them wakes my son up every night, wanting to go out or to come in. No one else. Just Wyatt. :)

Natalie said...

Ha, ha. I'm super allergic, so I'm sure if I hung around them for long enough they probably could kill me! Those pictures are hilarious.

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