Thursday, March 11, 2010

The Literary Nemesis Thursday 5

As stated last week, I have a literary nemesis, Simon C. Larter. We are just discovering what it means to have a nemesis (mostly vague, yet amusing, smack talk on Twitter, and throw downs on our blogs). Unfortunately, we chose one another in haste and aren't exactly enemies who are consumed by envy over each other's writing, being that we haven't read each other's writing (although suffice it to say that if he read mine, he would be twisted by hatred and upset over how very, very, very, very good it is). And even more unfortunately, we are finding it difficult to truly dislike one another. Still, we try with well-targeted daggers tossed daily on Twitter and blogs (any blog, as it happens).

I have directed Simon to answer the following five questions, which he did because he could not withstand the force of my personality.

1. What is this "flash fiction" you purport to write? Explain yourself. How is that different than the term of "short story"? Or are you trying to be Mr. Clever Pants?

NemesiSimon: Flash fiction is generally thought of as stories clocking in at 1,000 words or less. One might be forgiven for thinking one can't do much with so few words, but one would have to be forgiven by someone else, since I have a hormonal deficiency that prevents me from feeling pity, mercy, or any socially accepted emotion whatsoever. Flash fiction is all about kicking you in the face and making you feel something with as few words as possible. I'm all for kicking people in the face. With words, that is. When I'm actually kicking people, I prefer to kick them in the back of the head, since they rarely see it coming. It's more fun for me that way.

Sierra: So basically, you write violent short stories.

2. Will you admit your life has changed irrevocably and for the better as a result of having a formidable and extremely intelligent nemesis (me)?

NemesiSimon: Certainly I will admit that my life has changed irrevocably and for the better as a result of having a formidable and extremely intelligent nemesis (you). I will admit this because it may lull you into a false sense of security. At which point I may kick you in the back of the head.

Sierra: Good, so we're agreed that I am formidable and intelligent. Now we're getting somewhere.

3. At what point will you concede defeat to me?

NemesiSimon: BAHAHAHAHAHAaahaahahaahaahhaaaahaaahahahaaa... *cough* *cough* *pant* ...ahahahhaAHAHAHAAHAHHAAHAHAA... *wheeze* *choke* *snigger* ... aahaahahahahaahahaaahaahahaaaa.... *wipes brow* Whoo! Thanks for that, O nemesis. I didn't need the abdominal workout, since my abs make titanium look butter-soft, but I appreciate a good laugh nonetheless!

Sierra: Here, have a cough drop. You appear to have a wee cough despite your body of steel.

4. How long have you been writing your evil works?

NemesiSimon: The official story, to which my publicist will swear, even under threat of torture, is that I've been writing seriously since March or April of 2009. I never deviate from the official story in public. If you question me, I will release the Doberman Pinschers.

Sierra: You seem to have frightened your staff into submission with torture and aided by vicious dogs, which is to be expected from an opponent such as you, but you do not frighten me. I laugh at your kitten threats! Ha!

5. Celtic or Rangers?

NemesiSimon: Rangers. That's all.

Sierra: This was a trick question because the right answer was neither celtic or rangers -- OF COURSE IT ISN'T! You have failed utterly in this answer and proven your hideous propensity for a hideous propensity. Absolutely horrifying.

That is all.


Lt. Cccyxx said...

Wow, move over Gabriel Garcia Marquez and Mario Vargas Llosa (or is that Hulk Hogan and Andre the Giant?)!

Amber Tidd Murphy said...

All hail the mighty and powerful Sierra.

Godfrey... 1.
Larter... 0.

But, seriously. Tread carefully, Sierra. Watch out for rockets which may be launched at you just before your alarm goes off in the morning. Violent writers often play dirty.

Simon C. Larter said...

Yes, I know. It's hard to hate me. I'm awfully charming.

Incidentally, it would be easier to despise you as I ought were you to do something actually despicable. Get working on that, would you? Thanks.

In the meantime, I shall continue to rail against you on Twitter. And when my blog vacation's over, I shall rail against you there too.

That is all.

P.S. I'm well aware Hibernian F.C. was the answer to #5, but couldn't pass up an opportunity to infuriate you.

Now that is all.

KLM said...

I am so looking forward to the further clashes of these two literary titans. Round one goes to Sierra, I'm afraid. But then, admittedly, I'm like a professional wrestling referee: I only see what I want to see and clearly, I've been paid off in advance of the match.

beth said...

LOL! This is hilarious. Hmmm....when should we start making bets on you guys?

Liza said...

I am sitting in the library reading this and the guy at the next table just looked up at me when I snorted. Great job to both of you,. I look forward to future battles, um, I mean interviews.

Julie Dao said...

GO SIERRA!! (I'm sorry, Simon, I have to say that because she's in my critique group and I'm afraid of her. *whispers* Go Simon) Just kidding. Sierra all the way! (*hides*)

Dawn Hullender said...

I'm laughing so hard my sides hurt. Stop it you two - stop it I say! Just kidding, keep going, I may pop some popcorn and continue to watch.

Sierra Godfrey said...

Thank you everyone for recognizing my nemesis prowess.
Simon is within my clutches of doom! -- As soon as we figure out what to doom each other with, that is.

Having a nemesis is very much a WIP.

M. Gray said...

I think I need to see those titanium crushing abs.

Anonymous said...

Hahahaha! Gold :)

Anonymous said...

So, Simon's abs are not quite as strong as steel, but they're 45% lighter? I hope makes his move quick. Fragile speedsters are not known for their staying power.

It's funny that you say your nemisisation is a WIP, because BIC seems to be the most effective method of coming out on top.

Simon C. Larter said...

I now have a new favorite website. TV Tropes is awesome. That is all.

P.S. I practice Schrodinger Fu. That is really all.

Anonymous said...

Bwahahahahaha! Another poor soul doomed to spending listless hours drowning in wiki walks.

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