As stated last week, I have a literary nemesis, Simon C. Larter. We are just discovering what it means to have a nemesis (mostly vague, yet amusing, smack talk on Twitter, and throw downs on our blogs). Unfortunately, we chose one another in haste and aren't exactly enemies who are consumed by envy over each other's writing, being that we haven't read each other's writing (although suffice it to say that if he read mine, he would be twisted by hatred and upset over how very, very, very, very good it is). And even more unfortunately, we are finding it difficult to truly dislike one another. Still, we try with well-targeted daggers tossed daily on Twitter and blogs (any blog, as it happens).
I have directed Simon to answer the following five questions, which he did because he could not withstand the force of my personality.
1. What is this "flash fiction" you purport to write? Explain yourself. How is that different than the term of "short story"? Or are you trying to be Mr. Clever Pants?
NemesiSimon: Flash fiction is generally thought of as stories clocking in at 1,000 words or less. One might be forgiven for thinking one can't do much with so few words, but one would have to be forgiven by someone else, since I have a hormonal deficiency that prevents me from feeling pity, mercy, or any socially accepted emotion whatsoever. Flash fiction is all about kicking you in the face and making you feel something with as few words as possible. I'm all for kicking people in the face. With words, that is. When I'm actually kicking people, I prefer to kick them in the back of the head, since they rarely see it coming. It's more fun for me that way.
Sierra: So basically, you write violent short stories.
2. Will you admit your life has changed irrevocably and for the better as a result of having a formidable and extremely intelligent nemesis (me)?
NemesiSimon: Certainly I will admit that my life has changed irrevocably and for the better as a result of having a formidable and extremely intelligent nemesis (you). I will admit this because it may lull you into a false sense of security. At which point I may kick you in the back of the head.
Sierra: Good, so we're agreed that I am formidable and intelligent. Now we're getting somewhere.
3. At what point will you concede defeat to me?
NemesiSimon: BAHAHAHAHAHAaahaahahaahaahhaaaahaaahahahaaa... *cough* *cough* *pant* ...ahahahhaAHAHAHAAHAHHAAHAHAA... *wheeze* *choke* *snigger* ... aahaahahahahaahahaaahaahahaaaa.... *wipes brow* Whoo! Thanks for that, O nemesis. I didn't need the abdominal workout, since my abs make titanium look butter-soft, but I appreciate a good laugh nonetheless!
Sierra: Here, have a cough drop. You appear to have a wee cough despite your body of steel.
4. How long have you been writing your evil works?
NemesiSimon: The official story, to which my publicist will swear, even under threat of torture, is that I've been writing seriously since March or April of 2009. I never deviate from the official story in public. If you question me, I will release the Doberman Pinschers.
Sierra: You seem to have frightened your staff into submission with torture and aided by vicious dogs, which is to be expected from an opponent such as you, but you do not frighten me. I laugh at your kitten threats! Ha!
5. Celtic or Rangers?
NemesiSimon: Rangers. That's all.
Sierra: This was a trick question because the right answer was neither celtic or rangers -- OF COURSE IT ISN'T! You have failed utterly in this answer and proven your hideous propensity for a hideous propensity. Absolutely horrifying.
That is all.