Thursday, April 29, 2010

Thursday 5: Things I hate about spiders

Spring means an explosion of spiders in my house, both full grown and freshly-hatched babies. The whippersnapper and I had a discussion about spiders this week. He opined that they were all bad. It was a Teaching Moment and I was forced to practice tolerance, so I said they weren’t all bad; they eat bad bugs (but that the brown recluse and black widow were always bad). But in fact, there is plenty to hate about them, and here are five:

1. The unnatural way they crawl.
Yeah I know, you say “but their crawl is natural; they’re spiders.” The answer is no, it is not, it is creepy and disgusting and calculated. There’s a reason the uncut version of the Exorcist had the girl creeping down the stairs like a spider with her head on backwards. Because it’s gross and horrible.

2. They don’t mind – and even prefer – crawling in your sheets on your bed, or among your unfolded laundry.
I don’t even need to say this, but will: those locations are not acceptable for spiders to be in. ever.

3. They spin webs right outside your front door at night.
They do this so they can catch you when you walk out in the morning on your way to work, leaving you with sticky web all over your clothes and face, while the spider stands by and laughs at you.

4. They require work.
I don’t squish spiders in my house unless they’re in the bathtub, in which case that is their mistake and they get washed down the drain. Instead, I escort them outside in a glass with a card over it. This requires that I stop what I’m doing, grab a glass, which I hope is nearby, and catch it. In the past week, we have caught an average of 2 per day. I could be spending that time writing. And if you think cats catch them for you, think again. Only kittens do, not my fat lazy old cats who are busy plotting how to kill me. Spiders are passé for them.

5. They are soft.
Too soft, if you ask me. Did I ever tell you about the time I was peeking around the whippersnapper's door to see if he was asleep? My hand was on the molding around the door and I remember thinking, "Hmmm, that feels really soft." I stroked it with my forefinger. Very soft. Stroke, stroke. Then I closed the door and then it occurred to me to see what was so soft on a door.


I had caressed a giant wolf spider to death. That's right -- I had killed it by petting it. My stomach has never really stopped heaving about that.


Amber Tidd Murphy said...

#6 -- Their bites. I had a spider bite on my inner thigh once. That mother swelled up to the size of Rhode Island.

the cautionary tale said...

Here's a story for you. When I was a student at UF I lived in an old house surrounded by granddaddy oaks. Well one night after doing my spider survey I turned the light off and then heard scuttle scuttle scuttle and then felt something large fall on my face and scurry across it. I flipped the light on and a ginormous wolf spider was on MY PILLOW.

Amy Jo Lavin said...

I. Hate. Spiders. And now I feel like one is crawling on me. :)

Travener said...

They're just icky and creepy, is all. One of the few things I dislike about the Great Pacific Northwest (hereinafter, GPN) is the explosion of spiders that occurs this time of year. Yuck. I just don't like them. Period. Did I mention I don't like them?

Sierra Godfrey said...

Amber -- is that what you're calling it? A spider bite? :)

Tale -- THAT IS FOUL. You gave me the shivers. God. Ew.

Amy -- Me too now.

Trav - Agree agree agree.

Roni @ FictionGroupie said...

Dude, I am so with you. I think you missed it when I tweeted this the other day, but my son sometimes brings the fuzz he finds on the carpet to me so that I can throw it away. Well, yeah, you know where this is going. The other day I was making breakfast and he kept tugging on my leg to hand me fuzz. After I kept telling him to wait, I was like "Fine, give it to me." He handed it to me and it was a spider, which proceeded to crawl across my palm. *shudder*

I have a MAJOR bug phobia (like I've stripped in public before because there was a caterpillar on my shirt--true story). Needless to say I screamed like I'd been stabbed, made the kiddo cry, and had the heebie-jeebies for the rest of the day. And the spider had to die--I was not feeling generous at all by that time.

JEM said...

Curse you for this image even showing up in my google reader!! I hate. Hate. HATE. Spiders. So flippin creepy, BLAHHHHHHHH.
Thanks a ton, Arachnophobia, for being such a scary movie.

Cynthia Reese said...

The Kiddo hates spiders -- well, more accurately, she hates spider WEBS. She is quite proud of herself for getting up the nerve to pet a tarantula and said he was so cute and furry that he didn't count as a REAL spider.

I took one look at her and said, "Absolutely not. We have two dogs, umpteen cats, and two goldfish. NOTHING ELSE."

She just grinned.

Anonymous said...

I cannot eve be in a room where I know there is a spider. Needless to say, this was an issue when I went camping all the time as a kid. One time I got into the shower and felt something mush beneath my foot. It was a brown recluse. *hurls* Luckily I was not bitten. Spider's must die!

Simon C. Larter said...

Hahahaaaa! My plot to release spiders into your domicile is working, I see. Wonderul! I'm off to plan my next evil ploy. Mwahahahaaaaa!

Anne R. Allen said...

I agree with it all--especially Amber's #6. Especially Black Widows. They infest the Central Coast, where I live. My first night in a new house, one bit me on the cheek. I woke up and couldn't see--at all. Because my face had swollen so huge, I couldn't get them open. Sig. Other had to drive me to the emergency room for some sort of shot. I survived but now I REALLY HATE spiders.

Meghan Ward said...

I actually don't mind spiders! We get a ton of them in our house, and I hate the bites, of course, but mostly they don't bother me. When my whippersnapper sees one on the ceiling, he points and says, "Spider, Mama. Clean it" (which means get rid of it). And at swimming class we walk like spiders on the wall (well the kids do, not me.)

Sierra Godfrey said...

HANG ON, Meghan. WHAT? "And I hate the bites"?!? What effing spiders are biting you! How often? How are you standing that? My skin is crawling.

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