Thursday, June 17, 2010

How to Burn E-books in 5 Easy Steps

Yeah, the book burners have a challenge on their hands: books are changing. Oh sure, you can still get your hands on regular printed books for a knee-slapping, good old righteously indignant book-burning party, but these days you need to consider the new digital medium.

Well. Book haters! Never fear. I have 5 simple steps for you to keep on burning books in a digital age, thereby saving our population from thinking outside your box!

STEP 1: Download loads and loads of efiles to your Kindle or whatnot.
Download as many as you can, cause that way you can destroy more. Think how EASY this will be! Hee hee! No one thought of this when they started making digital books! It is SO EASY to download TONS of digital files at once! Where once you had to get a TRUCK to load up the hardbacks, now you just need a computer with a little bit of space! Shoot, even a USB drive will do!

STEP 2: Burn One e-Reader.
Those filth-producing publishers have locked the book files so you can't put them all in one disgusting area on your computer and delete them. No. DANG IT. Instead, just go ahead and burn the e-Reader -- just one, symbolically, of course, as they're rather pricey. This is for the greater good of our youth, or something. THEN DELETE THE FILES YOU DOWNLOADED OFF YOUR E-READER! Yes! When you take pictures, make sure you get one of your finger on the delete key.

STEP 3: Delete your online e-reader account.
Oh yes yes yes, refuse to HAVE an account that will provide you with such filth! This gesture will really show those corrupting merchants of muck who's WHO.

STEP 4: Burn cables and wires.
That will really show those heathens. You are showing them now. You. Showing. Now.

STEP 5: Send a nasty letter to Google for allowing our precious youth to SEARCH through BOOKS.
Don't mince words! Be all, "I COMMAND you to remove that filthy filth filth from your filth-encrusted filth searcher!" Those Google overlords won't be able to resist the call of purity form your righteous fingers.

Then, all you have to do is sit back, drink a 40, and watch the fruits or your labor pay off. Oh,


JEM said...

Burning ebook readers is also way awesome for the environment! I started a charred remnants of ebook readers compost pile and I have over five worms now!

Travener said...

I have nothing clever to say. Isn't that awful? Anyway, I can barely manage to make a call with my cell phone, so an e-reader isn't for me.

Simon C. Larter said...

This kind of Luddite garbage is precisely what I'd expect from my nemesis. Progress is coming for you, honey, and it's shaped like a fist. (Captain Hammer-style fists. Oh, yeah.)

Save me some of that 40, wouldja?

Tahereh said...


Sierra Godfrey said...

OK I guess no one got this. Wow.

Amber Tidd Murphy said...

Um, I thought this was hilarious.

Also, I met this guy today who was wearing a Creation Museum t-shirt. He would probably take this post to heart. I wish I had a way to scoot it over to him.

Seriously, I thought this was one of your FUNNIEST ideas ever! I think you should submit it to some snark-friendly publication.

Lola Sharp said...

I got it and I thought it was snarky fun.
Maybe you should email these handy tips to, I better not get political on here by naming conservative names (but you can probably find the leaders of said groups in the DC bath houses after dark)
I won't mind if the self-righteous burn their fingers on the melting plastic.

Roni @ FictionGroupie said...


Sierra Godfrey said...

OK I love you guys.

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