Thursday, July 1, 2010

Blow me: 5 Uses for Your Left Over Vuvuzela

My dad is not a soccer football fan, but he is an all-around sport fan. He loves baseball the most, but he's a gamer so he tries, in theory, to support soccer football. He thinks it is funny to pretend he likes Manchester United, which is not funny at all, of course.*

*ManU is a glory-hunting team, and for those of us who support crappier real teams, we resent the arrogance of ManPew and their supporters.

When the World Cup started, my dad bravely gave it a go. But he called me, concerned.

"Gah!" he said. "I was watching a game and had to turn the volume off because of those horns. Why do they allow them? It's so annoying!"

I didn't have a good answer, because that was one of the first matches and the debate was still going on for whether to ban those annoying horns that create one seamless buzz. The vuvuzela isn't a new thing, and has been in use worldwide, but it is a particular fixture at South African football matches and so really took center stage during this year's World Cup. (Vuvuzela is a South African word of dubious origin, but probably came from the Zulu language.)

And despite its unrelenting drone during World Cup matches, I have come to love it. There's an app for both iPhone and Android that allow you to shake your phone and plays the sound (of course I downloaded it), and a twitter feed. There's an internet radio station, too. Digitally, you're covered.

But I wondered, for all those lucky, lucky, lucky people who went to World Cup matches and got one of those things, what are they going to do with them after the World Cup?

Luckily, I have a list of suggestions.

1. Get your kids up from bed.
I am told that teenagers have a hard time getting up. I don't have a teenager, but I was one, and I can attest that teenagers do not like to get up in the morning. That's where a vuvuzela comes in. Go into their room, give a few blasts, and my guess is they'll get up. They'll protest first, but a few more blasts should take care of any sassy back talk. (French air horns, also a World Cup fixture, work well for this, too.)

2. Home security.
Keeping a baseball bat underneath your bed is just silly. It assumes you'll pull it out while disoriented and manage to whack an intruder on the head in the dark while you're panicking. No, no. Better to blast a little vuvuzela in their faces. They won't expect that. And if done right, it'll wake up your neighbors too. It's a low tech and free home security system all in one.

3. Funnels.
I don't know about you, but I can never find my kitchen funnels when I need one. I have borrowed at least two, found old ones, and still I couldn't tell you where any funnels are in my kitchen. It has been suggested that funnels are not often needed, but this is beside the point. When you need one, man you need one . Hi, World Cup vuvuzela!

4. Chasing dogs off your lawn.
Like waking your surly teenager and chasing off intruders, the vuvuzela is effective when trying to keep neighborhood dogs from crapping on your lawn. A few long, passionate blasts right as the dog squats, and both beast and owner will give your house a wide berth next time the urge arises.

5. Decorative arts.
If all else fails, you could stick the vuvuzela in one of those large floor vase things and pretend it is a rare flower. This works well for colorful vuvuzelas. If you are questioned by visitors as to whether you have tried to pass off your vuvuzela as a flower, you can feign indignation and insist that they have no idea what beauty is.

And then give them a blast in the face.


Summer said...

All excellent ideas. I especially like the home security one. :-)

Amber Tidd Murphy said...

You are so witty, Sierra.

I'm thinking: seal off the narrow end and you've got modern looking champagne flutes!


Sierra Godfrey said...

You're too cute guys. Awesome champagne flute idea Amber!

Nicola said...

Oh, my goodness! This is so funny! I'm sure I've woken the neighbours with my braying!

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