Monday, April 23, 2012

How to tell if your novel sucks using toenails

I'm sorry to have to have a second post about toenails, because the last one was so disgusting. But really, it's so relevant. You see, one of the things I think about is getting old. The year of no sleep from Rainbow Puppy aged me hideously, and in the past year I've noticed the emergence of a few insidious white hairs on the top of my head (which were promptly pulled). I would say that children are a bane in this way, but my five year old whippersnapper has proven quite helpful by standing on a stool and looking at the top of my head for me.

"I found another thick white hair the size of a bridge cable, Mommy!" he'll say, with the excitement of a treasure-hunter.

Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, toes. So when you get old, your toenails get increasingly disgusting. This is a fact. They say that nails are a good indication of your overall health. My aged cat (whose demise was discussed here, in reference to how good blogging relationships can benefit you in unexpected ways), died a few weeks ago of old age. It was a horrid, horrid business, but at least I got to be with her at home while she died. Anyway her claws were rancid. She had been skinny and unhealthy for some time, so you see, the claws were telling me that. I remember my grandfather, when alive, had multiple health problems like Parkinson's and other awful things, and my aunt-- his daughter-- hired a lady to come and cut his toenails. They were so heinous that my aunt wouldn't do it herself. (If she reads this, she will vociferously deny that, but facts are facts and a lady was hired.)

I don't think I could hire out toenail cutting services to elderly people. It is a noble, noble service but all the same.

Cripes, what was the point of this?

There wasn't really a point, it was a thinly-veiled excuse to talk about toenails. But I was thinking how nice it would be if we had a way to tell if our novels sucked by just looking at, say, the cover (if all novels had covers right away). Or something. Not an obvious sign, but there if you want to see it by pulling off the socks of your novel. Like this:


Linda G. said...

Oh, ick. And before breakfast, too. Tsk, tsk, Sierra. Tsk, tsk indeed.


Steven J. Wangsness said...

Gross. Maybe I should have named my book (now on Kindle and Nook!) "Tainted Soles" instead of "Tainted Souls."

Cathryn Leigh said...

I am half tempted to click on the other toenail link, but now I think I'll go to my work meeting (as good an excuse as any right) *snickers*

I've told myself I'm leaving in the grey (i've spotted a few strands on my head) and calling it silver - silver metals for my heard work as a mom. And when I become a grandmother I might contemplate dying them gold, like my grandmother did.

:} Cathryn

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